


Where Is My Mind?

by Squibbles94



Series: Family Don't End With Blood [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Platonic Cuddling, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23532439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squibbles94/pseuds/Squibbles94
Summary: Peter deals with the after-effects of being held captive. But he’s fine. Really.Part 2 of Ties that Bind series
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Family Don't End With Blood [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1679056
Comments: 42
Kudos: 322





	Where Is My Mind?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovelies!
> 
> Here is part two of my Ties that Bind series. If you have not read the first story, you probably should. But I mean, I guess you could read this with no context, it just won't be as satisfying. 
> 
> As always, if you see something that needs to be edited, please tell me. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this! I have kind of projected onto Peter with this one because this is how I deal with trauma in my life. I can also see him dealing with it in the same way. So. Yeah. 
> 
> Hope everyone is staying safe! Come hang out with me on Tumblr squibbles94 on there as well
> 
> **warnings at the end**  
> Title from: Where Is My Mind? By Yoav
> 
> I never thought I would have to write this but: Please don't repost my work on any other site without my permission.

In the days since Peter had been back home, he found himself, more often than not, roaming around the hallways at night. He was kind of glad that Tony had gotten on a regular sleep schedule in the five years he had been gone during the snap. It made it where the man wouldn’t be awake to hear Peter stumbling down the hallway of the penthouse. Pepper had always been a heavy sleeper, and he never worried about bothering her. Morgan was another thing entirely. There were many nights when he first came to live with them that he would turn around to find himself looking down on the small girl whose eyes were bright and lively at three in the morning. 

Tonight, however, he found himself completely alone. It wasn’t that he was scared to sleep. He wasn’t. Well, not really. It was that every time he closed his eyes, he heard the shrill alarm that plagued his memories from the cell that Ross kept him in. He would lay in his bed and stare at the ceiling, knowing that as soon as his eyes slipped shut, he would jolt awake with his ears tensing with pain. 

The first few times it happened, Peter cried. He didn’t know what else to do, it wasn’t a real sound, so he couldn’t make it stop. So he cried. When F.R.I.D.A.Y. asked him if he wanted to alert Tony, he emphatically said no. Peter knew that Morgan had been having problems sleeping as well, and he didn’t want to interrupt Tony’s sleep just in case he needed to take care of Morgan. 

Peter could deal with it. So for the next three weeks, he paced the hallways and made F.R.I.D.A.Y. promise not to tell Tony or Pepper. He knew there was nothing in the coding that specifically said that she had to tell if he wasn’t sleeping, just if he was hurt or severely distressed. He might have used that to his advantage when she said she would have to tell on him if he didn’t start getting sleep. 

For the past three weeks, Peter had gotten three hours of sleep per night max, and it was starting to wear on him. He moved a bit slower than he typically did, and he wasn’t as patient as he usually was. Tony and Pepper blamed the ordeal he went through for his change in behavior. And if Peter was telling the truth, it stemmed from it, so he didn’t bother to correct them. 

“Peter?” F.R.I.D.A.Y. asked quietly. 

“Yeah?”

“Do you need me to alert Mr. Stark that you are having problems sleeping?” 

Peter shook his head, adamantly. “No, Fri. It’s not that bad. I’ll go to bed in a minute.”

“You have approximately two hours before your alarm is scheduled to go off. I suggest you at least lie down and rest until that time.”

Peter took a look around the living room. There was a coloring book that Morgan was working on that afternoon laying on the table with crayons scattered around it. The tv was off, and the curtains were pulled across the windows tightly, which let in small patches of moonlight where the fabric didn’t quite meet. Pepper left her laptop on the side table next to the couch. There were a couple of Peter’s notebooks that he left on the floor, where he was working on homework before everyone was ushered to bed. 

It seemed so calm. So normal. Peter just stood in the middle of the room, not wanting to move and not caring that he was just standing awkwardly with no real reason behind his actions. His vision blurred slightly when his eyes landed on the crayon that was sitting on top of Morgan’s coloring book. It was a deep green color that stood out starkly against the white background of the page. Peter had seen that color before.

It almost felt like drifting out of his body, the way his mind went back to the cell. He could smell the copper of his blood flowing from his body as he was tied down to the table they preferred to use. He could see the dark green pen that Dr. Marshall liked to use, darting across her page as she observed his body. There were patches of skin lying in a dish next to his bed, and he could see the outline that she drew against his skin to mark the shape and size they wanted. It was always that same green pen. Constantly the one she had in her pocket every time she came into the room. The same one that she absentmindedly swished in her grasp as he whimpered when the pain was just too much. The same one that marked the hourly rate in which his skin grew back by making marks next to the discolored patches on his body. 

He could hear the voices of the nurses and other doctors that read off facts and figures to her. He could hear Ross complaining that he was screaming too much. Feel the fire that spread through his veins when the scalpel was dragged across his skin. Hear the pop of his flesh breaking when they pressed too hard. Smell the iron in the air mixed with salt from the tears that gushed from his eyes. Feel the snap of his bone. The sound of it cracking mixed with his screams. 

And it was all documented by that damn green pen. 

“Peter?” 

Jerking back slightly, Peter dragged in a deep breath. His lungs felt like they were on fire, and his eyes were watering. It hurt to blink, and he realized that they burned because he had been staring at the same spot for longer than was necessary. 

“Peter, if you don’t answer me, I will need to contact Mr. Stark. You have been standing motionless for five minutes and thirty-six seconds,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. said, voice soft.

“I’m...I’m okay. Just spaced out for a second. Don’t wake him up.”

Peter didn’t wait for a reply; instead, he turned out of the living room and trudged to his bedroom. Once he focused his mind, he was able to get his heart to slow down slightly. He decided that he needed to get at least a couple of hours of sleep before everyone started waking up. Peter had school the next day, and he needed to make sure he wouldn’t fall asleep in class. He had already received two lunch detentions for not being able to keep his eyes open. You would think that after the traumatic experience he had, he would be allowed some leeway, but his teachers didn’t seem to agree. 

His head hit the pillow that was far too soft, and he wrapped himself in his comforter, trying to twist his body into the strange shape that got him to sleep the quickest on most nights. He blinked at the wall and attempted not to see shapes in the imperfections of the paint. Tried to quiet his mind. It wasn’t really that difficult to start to drift; it had been a long day, and his body was short on rest as it was, so it wasn’t long before his eyes closed. 

Almost as soon as he shut his eyes, he jumped from his bed when a loud alarm started sounding in his ear. He could feel his heart racing with the adrenalin that was coursing through his veins, and he felt his breaths coming in short gasps. His eyes flew around the room only to see that it was empty. Just like last time, he opened them with a feeling of panic. He was alone. There was no one there with a twisted smile, waiting to hurt him or the crushing loneliness of darkness around him. There was light filtering in through his window and the outline of his room, filled with things that brought him comfort. He was okay. 

He slammed his head back into his pillow and let out a strangled cry. He just wanted to sleep. He would do anything to just get sleep without feeling like he had just run a marathon when his brain inevitably betrayed him. He knew that if he asked, Tony would wake up and help him. Maybe the man had a special way of dealing with insomnia brought on by flashbacks. It was Tony Stark, after all. He had to have some kind of idea.

When he couldn’t sleep when Ben and May were alive, he would go to their room and slip into their bed, letting their breathing calm him down. Often, they would wake up and usher him between them, making sure he was cocooned in warmth and safety, so he always knew they were there with him. Peter would tuck himself against May’s side, and she would run her fingers through his hair until he passed out. Normally, he would sleep through the night, with no nightmares to plague him. 

He wondered if Tony would at least sit with him while he tried to sleep. What he really wanted was to lay with him and Pepper, just to have someone there to watch over him. It didn’t make sense, but it was the only thing his sleep-deprived brain could conjure as a solution to his problem. 

The last thing Peter wanted to do was bother Tony, but he was so tired. He felt tears trail down his face at the thought of staying awake any longer than he already had that night. He felt like a toddler, which made him feel worse. Peter slammed his head down on the pillow a few more times, willing his body to take the hint. When it didn’t, he let out a grunt that ended in a sob and knew that he was out of options. 

He let his feet carry him down the hallway to Tony and Pepper’s room. He hoped that what he was asking for was okay. He didn’t know what he would do if they turned him away, but he didn’t know what else to do. So, when his feet stopped at their door, he only hesitated a few seconds before slowly pushing it open. 

They were asleep, tangled in the sheets. Peter took a few hesitant steps forward before he stopped cold. Morgan was sleeping between them. There was a cup of milk by the bed, and her small hand was curled around Tony’s collar. Pepper had an arm slung over the girl, offering protection from the nightmares that Peter knew haunted her. He didn’t know how he missed the fact that Morgan had slipped into their room, but then he remembered he had zoned out quite a bit that night. It had to have happened during one of his episodes. 

A feeling of inadequacy and shame flooded through his veins. He should have known that with all Morgan had gone through, she would need the support of Pepper and Tony. She needed it more than him anyway. He knew that if he woke Tony up, he would wake Morgan up too, and he couldn’t do that to her. It was his fault she had to deal with all of it in the first place. So he decided not to wake anyone up. 

He knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, and he shut his eyes, trying to stop the burning, and the tightness in his chest. He bit his lip in concentration, going through his options in his head. All he really needed was to be in a room with someone. He could still do that without waking anyone up. Peter nodded to himself lightly and decided that being in the bedroom with them was better than going back into his room just to stare at the ceiling for the rest of the night.

He padded over to their bed and sat on the floor at the foot of it. He tucked his left arm underneath his head for it to act as a pillow and curled up tightly on his side. He wrapped his other arm over his head to act as a shield against light or anything that might hit him in the face. He knew his thoughts were unrealistic, but he got used to sleeping like that while he was being held in the facility. He never knew when he was going to be awoken by a blow to the head. 

He was kind of cold, but he had definitely lived through worse things. While in the room with them, he could hear all three of their heartbeats mixed with the steady sound of their breathing without having to strain too hard. He was surprised that those sounds calmed him down quite a bit, at least to the point that his eyes were slipping closed. He breathed out a long breath of relief when he didn’t immediately hear the loud alarm ringing in his ears. Instead, he focused on the sound of the Stark’s heartbeats as he drifted off to sleep.

~

Tony woke to the feeling of feet pressing into his spine. It took him a moment to remember that Morgan had crawled into their bed the night before when she woke from a nightmare. He turned over to see the girl pressed into Pepper’s side, and her feet digging into his back. She looked peaceful with her mouth hanging slightly open, and her arm thrown over her head. Tony let his gaze linger on his daughter and wife. There were few things in his life that made him realize just how lucky he was, but waking up to the sight of his wife and daughter safe in his bed was one of them. 

The man let out a small grunt when he heaved himself to an upright position. He wasn’t as young as he used to be, and it still hurt to move too fast. Especially after snapping the Infinity Gauntlet to save the universe. He stretched out his back, relishing the way his spine popped and loosened with every adjustment. He wondered if it was almost time for Peter to wake up. He needed to check on the kid anyway, so he slipped out of bed and grimaced as his knees popped when he stood. 

He made it to the edge of the bed before he stopped in his tracks. On the floor huddled into himself, was Peter. He didn’t have a blanket and was using his arm as a pillow. It looked uncomfortable, to say the least. 

“Oh, bud,” Tony whispered, making sure not to wake Pepper and Morgan. That was not something he was willing to deal with so early in the morning. 

The man knelt down next to Peter, and his heart almost broke when he noticed that the kid was using his arms to shield his head. He decided that waking Peter up would be a better idea than letting him remain on the floor, so he gently ran his thumb over Peter’s forehead. 

Peter jerked back from Tony and raised both arms to cover his face. What was worse, he let out a whimper. 

“Pete? It’s okay, kid. It’s just me,” Tony tried to soothe. 

Peter lowered his arms hesitantly and blinked up at the man in confusion. “Dad?”

“Yeah, Bambino. What are you doing on the floor?”

The poor kid looked so confused as he took in his surroundings. When his eyes met Tony’s, he seemed to deflate a bit more, if that was even possible. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Okay. Let’s get you into your bed, and we can talk about it. You’ll be more comfortable that way,” Tony prodded. 

When Peter nodded a bit, Tony helped him to his feet and took a good look at him. Peter was swaying, even though Tony was holding most of his weight. He had deep bags under his eyes, and the dark circles stood out against his pale skin. Quite frankly, the kid looked like shit. 

“Alright, kiddo. Come on. Let’s not wake the girls.”

Tony led the teenager through the hallway, making sure he didn’t loosen his grip just in case Peter was going to collapse. Normally that wasn’t something Tony was worried about, but with how Peter looked, there was a high chance he wouldn’t be able to keep himself upright. Tony wasn’t surprised when Peter didn’t fight being pushed into his bed. The clock in Peter’s nightstand read 4:30 am, and Tony grimaced. How long had the kid been sleeping on his floor without him knowing about it?

“Okay, kid. What are you doing on the floor in our bedroom?”

Peter looked away and pressed his body into the bed, trying to make himself as small as possible. He gave a hesitant shrug. 

Tony combed his fingers through Peter’s hair and sat down next to him on the bed. “I’m not mad, kiddo. Just worried.”

“I...I just...I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t want to be alone. I’ve been trying to sleep for days, and I just can’t. It’s like every time I close my eyes, my body says, ‘fuck you.’ So I went into your room to wake you up because you always said I could, but then I got there, and I saw Morgan. I didn’t want to wake her up, and she needs you and Pepper so much more than I do. I mean, it’s my fault that she’s having so much trouble sleeping in the first place. But I didn’t want to be alone, I just wanted to sleep, and I’m sorry,” Peter said in a rush. 

It took Tony a few seconds to sort through the jumble of words that flew out of Peter’s mouth. When he did, he had the sudden urge to fly over to Henry’s cell, and beat the daylights out of the man, while simultaneously crushing his kid in his arms to let him know he’s okay. 

“Okay. Let’s take this one point at a time. You know you can always wake me up if you need me, Pepper, too. Even if Morgan is there, you can wake us up. She can always go back to sleep. Okay?”

“But-”

“Nope. Always. You can always wake us up,” Tony emphasized. 

Peter nodded. 

“Okay, next onto Morgan. Nothing that happened to Morgan was on you, kiddo. I’m not letting you out of this one. If it wasn’t for you, she probably would have been worse off. I know nothing I say is gonna change your mind right now, and that’s okay. I’ll remind you every time your brain decides to lie to you.”

“I just feel so guilty,” Peter said. “She didn’t deserve that.”

“No, she didn’t,” Tony agreed. He decided to let that issue go and focus on the more important fact of Peter not getting sleep. “Why can’t you sleep? What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Not if it’s making you stay awake all the time. How many hours of sleep have you been getting?” Tony asked. 

“Enough,” Peter hedged. 

Tony raised his eyebrows at the boy. “Fri?” he asked. “How many hours of sleep has Peter been getting per night since he came home?”

Without hesitating, F.R.I.D.A.Y. said, “on average, he only gets three hours per night. Sometimes it’s less. There have been two nights where he got no sleep at all.”

Tony whistled. “That’s pretty bad, even by my standards.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Obviously it is. What’s going on? Bad dreams?”

“You’re not gonna let it go, are you?” Peter asked, exasperated. 

“Nope,” Tony said, popping the ‘p’. “You freak me out by being on my bedroom floor, you have to explain yourself.”

Peter chewed on his bottom lip, and Tony resisted the urge to make him stop. He learned that the kid needed to fidget some when he was anxious about talking. If he didn’t, it was always a bigger fight to get the information out of him. So, Tony just waited. It was something he wouldn’t have been able to do a few years ago, and he was sure Morgan had a lot to do with it.

Finally, Peter took a deep breath and said, “It’s not just the nightmares. I mean, I still get those, but it’s not enough to keep me from sleeping. It’s...I guess it comes from the alarm.”

“Alarm?” Tony prompted when Peter got a faraway look on his face. 

“They, uh. The last few days, when I was in the isolation room, they wanted to see how my healing did when I didn’t get sleep, and I didn’t have food.” Peter looked away, looking almost ashamed. “When I closed my eyes, they would set off an alarm. It was...so loud. It hurt so bad that sometimes I couldn’t see straight. I don’t really know how long they kept me awake like that. But, um, every time I close my eyes...I hear it. The alarm. It’s so high pitched, and it makes my head feel like it’s gonna explode. I know it’s not real. I know it. But I still hear it like it’s being fed through my room. I...am I going crazy?”

Tony shook his head and wiped away the tears that fell from Peter’s eyes. “No, kid. You’re not going crazy.” Tony knew what it was to hear and see things that happened in his past. He knew what it felt like to be woken from sleep by the memories. The ones that ate into his consciousness. 

“You know,” Tony said softly, “after Afghanistan, I used to have bad nightmares. I would feel my lungs fill up with...with water, and it was like I was drowning again. A lot of bad shit happened to me in those caves, some of it, I’ve never told anyone. But, the things that stayed with me always felt so real when I was going to sleep.”

“What’d you do?” Peter asked, hope shining through his eyes.

“Well, I drank at first. Which, you know, was a bad idea and not one you’ll be using, by the way.”

Peter let out a soft chuckle, and Tony smiled at him. 

“Then, Iron Man happened. Honestly, I didn’t go about it the right way. Still, the sleepless nights and nightmares eventually got better after I got to a point where I started to feel kind of safe. It was all Pepper, to be honest. It sounds kind of silly, but knowing that Pep was there made me feel better. Sometimes we just need someone there who loves us, and it makes it better.”

Peter’s lips turned up slightly. “I used to sleep in Aunt May and Uncle Ben’s bed when I had nightmares after my parents died.”

“Is that why you came into our room?” Tony asked, everything starting to make sense.

Peter shrugged. “Doesn’t really matter. It was stupid. I should’ve just handled it. I’m seventeen, not seven.”

“I was in my thirties when I needed someone to just be there. Age doesn’t mean a damn thing sometimes, kid.”

Peter nodded, but it didn’t look like Tony’s words got through to him. “Sorry, you can’t go back to sleep because of me,” Peter said. 

“Who says I can’t?” Tony asked as he shifted Peter over and lay down next to his kid. 

“What are you doing?”

“Shh, I’m sleeping. So should you,” Tony said as he wrapped his arm around Peter and held him to his side. 

“I have school in a couple of hours, it’s not really worth it.”

Tony huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, you can forget about school today. I’ll write you a note, but you’re staying home with me.”

“What? I can’t-”

“Oh, yes, you can. You need sleep, and so do I. So close your eyes and relax, kid. When we both wake up, we can cook a big breakfast and then talk about what’s going on with you.” Tony thought for a second and added, “Fri, let Pepper know what’s going on when she wakes up.”

“But Tony-”

“Shh. It’s quiet time. I need my beauty sleep.”

Tony didn’t look over, but he felt Peter hesitantly rest his head on Tony’s chest and relaxed into his hold. Tony placed a kiss to his son’s head and held him close. He knew Peter had a long way to go, but they were going to take it one day at a time.

“I’ll always be here for you. Promise,” Tony whispered. “I’m not gonna let you go.”

“I love you,” Peter said as he nestled into Tony’s hold. 

“Love you too, Bambino.”

Peter slept in Tony’s arms until the sun was far overhead. And for the first time in three weeks, it was without nightmares.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings - disassociation, depictions of past torture, self-deprecating thoughts


End file.
